Welcome neighbor! (of kan ik beter zeggen: welkom! ;))
I sooo understand what you're going through. I am trying to fade as well, but it is very hard. As said before, it is hard if you're from a die-hard dub-family, and I am. I never missed a meeting, was always the one with a lot of answers (one time I didn't answer and afterwards a few came to me to ask if there was something wrong.) during the WT etc. I haven't been in the ministry for 6 months now, but still gave in my hours-slip (just made up the hours), but haven't done this for july now.
I did go to the convention, but haven't been to the meetings in a while now. I think that my latest meeting was 18th July.
I have been studying about the WTS since the KM of november 2007, but after reading CoC in the Summer last year, I was convinced that I should leave this organisation. Since then I have been visiting website and forums and read ISoCF, The Gentile Times reconsidered, lot of other 'religious' books, such as 'Pauls Idea of Community' that was very eye-opening about the early day 'churches' and 'gatherings'.
I also started my own company in January this year, but it wasn't the best of timing I'm afraid. I'm very very depressed about all the things that are happening and heading towards a burn-out. I have panicattacks, cry a lot and really just want to stay under the covers all day. I am ill for a few weeks now, and it is really hurting my body, because I can't seem to get out of this flu. Sometimes I can't even make myself going out... Don't know why. I really need to search for help. My dad also had a stroke in December and I really don't want to leave my parents alone. I am also afraid that if I would get disfellowshipped my dad would get another stroke and I couldn't live with myself if that happens.
My husband has never been a person that would study the Bible and the publications as I do, so he understands what I say and is now not in the mood to go to the meetings either. He really can't be bothered. But as I have problems with my consience going to the meetings (sometimes I can't breath because of all the things I hear and have to go to the toilets to have a drink or put my head against the cold tiles) he doesn't understand this. If I say something about a doctrine change he would reply 'oh what did we believe before this change then?' And I think a lot of people of our age are like that. Like the new DVD, i was laughing my head off, but I know for a fact that a lot of friends of mine think it is a wonderful DVD and take it all in as truth. They never have even read the JW'book. I think I am the only geek that read it as an active dub.
And the worst thing is that I feel guilt, guilt, guilt... It is like a second nature growing up in this cult and it is not going away. Especially when people sent me postcards etc. because they think I am ill (which is true, but still...).
I tried to talk to my parents about it, but I can't get into their heads. Its so strange, they don't see it! Or they just don't want to see my problem. They invite me over for a meal or a nice gathering with friends from the cong. and they think the problem is gone. They don't understand that my problem is not with the 'people' but with the 'organisation'. I don't have the illusion that they will ever understand it. My dad is a witness since the 60's and my mum got baptised in '80. Their whole life IS the organisation.
I feel sad and lost.